Improving Your Relationships - Are You Really Listening?

Time and again I witness the lack of real communication between service providers and customers, management and subordinates, and friends and family members. Just observe those around you. Watch with your eyes and your ears the

numerous human interactions that touch your personal world. How many times do you sense a lack of shared understanding between the parties?

Shared understanding is the real essence of communication. Unless achieved, the effort is merely a dialogue -- or often a monologue -- of words. Since words are interpreted from many perspectives, you may not even have a shared understanding of a single word. Perspectives are determined by previous experiences, education, cultural and value differences, gender and age differences, language and translation or interpretation.

Visualize the color blue. We would both choose a blue paint chip. We both would be correct regardless of which blue we each selected. But we would not necessarily have a shared understanding of the color blue. This would be especially true if we are not able to actually see the other's choice of blue.

The matter of whose blue is "correct" is certainly grounds for even more misunderstanding and potential conflict. Issues as simple as this can cause major rifts in relationships. Simple miscommunications, often caused by differences in perceptions, are the root cause of most conflicts.

Simple miscommunication!? Miscommunication can be simple. Communication is complex! Follow the steps in this simple exchange of words between a husband and wife:

H: (holding a large pump bottle of hand lotion) "Do you have a plastic

container to put this in?"

W: (looking at the 10"x4"x1" bottle) "How about a zip top plastic bag?"

H: "No, I don't want it to get squished in the suitcase!"

W: (locating a large plastic food storage box) "This is all I have."

H: "That's too big!" (and he walks away)

W: (puzzled) "How can that be too big when it is just big enough to hold the bottle?"

Several minutes later, the wife walks into the bedroom and finds the husband pumping lotion into a small round plastic cosmetic container.

W: (surprised) "Is that what you were asking me to find for you!?!"

What has really happened here? Each person had a different perception of what the container looks like. However, neither one has taken the responsibility to explore the original request deeply enough to reach a shared understanding.

The wife's perception of the request was a desire to put the large bottle of lotion into a container so the lotion would not be squeezed out into the suitcase. The husband's perception of the container was much different. So when the suggestion of a zip top plastic bag was offered, it seemed ridiculous to him.

This was an actual conversation between my husband and me. At the time, I thought it was strange to take such a large bottle of lotion in a suitcase -- even stranger to want to put it into a larger rigid container. He thought I was "off my rocker" for suggesting such a huge plastic box! (Just as an aside: What do you picture when you read "off my rocker?" I wonder if your meaning is the same as mine?)

In the Communication Skills Workshops I facilitate, I always ask people what gets in the way of being a good listener. The most common responses are:

1. I hear a few words and start thinking about my reply.

2. As soon as I hear enough to assume I know what they want to say, I often

interrupt

3. My own ideas of what the other person is saying or thinking makes me see something different

4. When people talk about things in which I am not interested, I stop listening and get impatient

And the list goes on...

As soon as we begin to assume we know what is being said is the same as we see in our own mind's eye, we stop listening for the real meaning. When we are not really interested in the subject -- or the speaker--we allow our mind to do things other than actively listening to the speaker.

We may hear what is being said because hearing is involuntary. Listening requires active participation and concentration on the message or content and on the speaker, including non-verbal communication. To try to reach a shared understanding with you on the difference between listening and hearing, let's see how you relate to this:

• While getting ready for work or even while you are driving, have you ever turned on the radio to catch the traffic report or weather? Then the next thing you know, the music is playing! You missed the weather and traffic reports!

If you can relate to that scene, you have personally experienced the difference between listening and hearing. You actually heard the reports. Since you were not actively listening, you can not recall the information that bumped against your ear drum and ran across your brain. By not being actively involved in the process, you missed the information.

Listening is an ACTIVE SPORT! It requires focus and intention. It is also the highest form of respect you can demonstrate to another human being. Show people how important they are to you by actively listening to them. When we listen to others, we help them build their self-worth. We also earn their respect.