Sunday, April 24, 2016


    “When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
    Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
    I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
    With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
    The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
    In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
    This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
    I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
    My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
    On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
    On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
    She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
    Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
    Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
    But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
    She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
    That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….
    The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
    So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
    If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.
    If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
    Remember love is the richest of all treasures. Without it there is nothing; and with it there is everything. Love never perishes , even if the bones of a lover are ground fine like powder. Just as the perfume of sandalwood does not leave it, even if it is completely ground up, similarly the basis of love is the soul, and it is indestructible and therefore eternal. Beauty can be destroyed , but not love.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Oh What awesome joy! I pray it lasts forever.

Friday, April 1, 2016


Plants in the Bathroom

Moraine Lake at sunrise, Banff National Park, Canada

Moraine Lake at sunrise, Banff National Park, Canada

Colorado Mountains Vista

Colorado Mountains Vista

I Feel Like My Anger Is Ruining My Marriage, How Can I Stop This?

It's an awful feeling when you know that you are watching your marriage deteriorating before your very eyes. It's a much worse feeling when you know that this deterioration is potentially all your fault. And that can be especially bad if you're dealing with something you feel you should learn to control - like your anger.
Someone might explain: "I am fully aware that my anger is destroying my marriage. And what's so awful is that I was not always this way. I used to be happy-go-lucky and laid back. It used to take quite a bit to get me angry. That is not the case anymore. I have two children under the age of three. I feel pulled in many different directions. I feel incredibly overwhelmed. And I suppose because of this, I find myself snapping at just about everyone. My kids. My husband. My mom. Sometimes, my anger seems to come out of nowhere but then once it appears, I can't seem to control it. I will say things that I can not believe are coming out of my mouth. And I will slam things. Last night when we were having dinner, one of the kids mentioned that he did not like the food. Typical toddler stuff. I asked him to try it anyway. He refused. And I got up, left the table, and pushed my chair in so loud, it made him cry. My husband went after me and told me he did not recognize the person I had become. He asked me when I had become an angry person. I told him that I don't know. He said he is not sure how much longer he can live this way. He said that he had told himself he would never put his children through a broken home, but he insisted that my anger is very unhealthy for them also. How do I stop my anger from destroying my family and my marriage?"
Well, I'm not a therapist or a specialist in anger, but it doesn't take a specialist to know that it's vital to get your anger under control as soon as possible. And I know from watching friends go through this that women's anger can be a little trickier than men's anger. Because much of the time, hormones are involved - especially after a recent pregnancy, which seems to be the case here. I'm not a doctor, so I am only speculating and I would strongly encourage you to see one. But it would make sense, especially considering the fact that you've never had anger issues before.
My first stop would be to get my hormones evaluated and to follow up with any suggestions that my doctor might have. I would see a therapist who specializes in women's issues. I don't have to tell you how damaging this can be to your family. Because you already know that. And the fact that you have self awareness about it is a good thing - because not every one does. Many people are not only angry, but they are defensive - denying that the anger even exists and blaming every one else.
That is not the case here. You are aware of what is going on and you are motivated to change it - which is half the battle already. Even if there are hormones involved which get fixed, I'd suspect that you're still going to have to work at changing your triggers and habits. Because if this has gone on for a while, it has become a habit. Once you're triggered by something, you resort to what has become your go - to method of handling it - your anger. In order to break this cycle, you have to recognize the trigger, and then employ a new, more positive method to deal with it. Do this enough times and the habit is broken and replaced with the more appropriate one.
I don't mean to make this sound like it's a case of "mind over matter" because I don't believe that it's as simple as that. I believe that it would really help to see a professional that can help you see exactly what is going on and offer you the most efficient way to handle it.
But noticing it and being willing to change are good signs that show you have the necessary self awareness and motivation to change. Your family will be much better off and I am sure you will feel much better too. Because you're probably suffering from guilt and shame heaped on top of the anger, which just feeds into the whole negative cycle.
You may want to let your husband know about these realizations because it may help him to be a little more patient. The next time this topic comes up, you might try something like: "you are absolutely right. This isn't like me. That's not an excuse, but you know that this isn't typical behavior for me. That's why I feel that I need to be evaluated and treated by someone. I want to stop this, but I suspect that hormones are involved because of my pregnancies and I'm going to need help fixing that. I am committed to fixing it, though. And I'd like to ask you to help me by supporting me and bringing my attention to it when you see any anger cropping up. You know that I'm very committed to being the best wife and mother I can possibly be. And part of that means that I need to address this immediately. I hope that you support me in this."
I feel strongly that he will likely throw his support behind you. It only benefits him for you to fix this to and return back to your old self. And even he's admitted that this is not typical behavior for you. So it is likely pretty clear to him that you're not doing this on purpose.
I know that none of this is easy, but sometimes, we have to fight for our family.  And we have to be aware of our habits and tendencies in order to change them.  I made some major life changes after my husband and I reconciled because I didn't want to take my bad habits into our new and improved relationship.  I have to constantly check myself, but I can also say that the effort has been worth it. 
A wonderful piece by Leslie Cane. 

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