Friday, November 13, 2009
The key to getting your guy to find you irresistible is to get inside his mind. Your body language needs to correspond with what you're saying. Add to this the perfect tone of voice and you have the recipe for success. He will find you irresistible, unforgettable, and every other superlative you can think of.
You're probably thinking no, that's way too easy. Yes it is, but think about it. How often do we really have those three key components switched on at the same time? You may have tried this before without success, but if only one of these attributes has been lacking you will have come across as false and manipulative, certainly not irresistible.
Men love to be teased, BUT, we're talking playful teasing here that makes them feel good and stir their sexual energy. We don't mean the other teasing, where they are kept dangling like a puppet on a string. This will make any guy head for the door and you can forget any long term commitment. You won't be irresistible, you'll be very resistible.
You want to say things that will get them thinking. If you're on the phone, tell him next time you see him that you'll do something special for him. Give a flirty laugh and leave it there, don't go into the details. If he keeps pressing change the subject, or say you have to go and hang up. Guaranteed, that's all he'll be thinking of until he next sees you. Do not say this if you don't intend delivering, that's the other teasing and he'll hate you for it. Men find women who keep their promises irresistible.
Possessing the skill of having your guy hanging onto your every word will make them fall in love with you. You are a truly irresistible woman. They will want to commit as they won't want to lose you. So remember: tone, body language and words = life long commitment.
Time and again I witness the lack of real communication between service providers and customers, management and subordinates, and friends and family members. Just observe those around you. Watch with your eyes and your ears the numerous human interactions that touch your personal world. How many times do you sense a lack of shared understanding between the parties?
Shared understanding is the real essence of communication. Unless achieved, the effort is merely a dialogue -- or often a monologue -- of words. Since words are interpreted from many perspectives, you may not even have a shared understanding of a single word. Perspectives are determined by previous experiences, education, cultural and value differences, gender and age differences, language and translation or interpretation.
Visualize the color blue. We would both choose a blue paint chip. We both would be correct regardless of which blue we each selected. But we would not necessarily have a shared understanding of the color blue. This would be especially true if we are not able to actually see the other's choice of blue.
The matter of whose blue is "correct" is certainly grounds for even more misunderstanding and potential conflict. Issues as simple as this can cause major rifts in relationships. Simple miscommunications, often caused by differences in perceptions, are the root cause of most conflicts.
Simple miscommunication!? Miscommunication can be simple. Communication is complex! Follow the steps in this simple exchange of words between a husband and wife:
H: (holding a large pump bottle of hand lotion) "Do you have a plastic
container to put this in?"
W: (looking at the 10"x4"x1" bottle) "How about a zip top plastic bag?"
H: "No, I don't want it to get squished in the suitcase!"
W: (locating a large plastic food storage box) "This is all I have."
H: "That's too big!" (and he walks away)
W: (puzzled) "How can that be too big when it is just big enough to hold the bottle?"
Several minutes later, the wife walks into the bedroom and finds the husband pumping lotion into a small round plastic cosmetic container.
W: (surprised) "Is that what you were asking me to find for you!?!"
What has really happened here? Each person had a different perception of what the container looks like. However, neither one has taken the responsibility to explore the original request deeply enough to reach a shared understanding.
The wife's perception of the request was a desire to put the large bottle of lotion into a container so the lotion would not be squeezed out into the suitcase. The husband's perception of the container was much different. So when the suggestion of a zip top plastic bag was offered, it seemed ridiculous to him.
This was an actual conversation between my husband and me. At the time, I thought it was strange to take such a large bottle of lotion in a suitcase -- even stranger to want to put it into a larger rigid container. He thought I was "off my rocker" for suggesting such a huge plastic box! (Just as an aside: What do you picture when you read "off my rocker?" I wonder if your meaning is the same as mine?)
In the Communication Skills Workshops I facilitate, I always ask people what gets in the way of being a good listener. The most common responses are:
1. I hear a few words and start thinking about my reply.
2. As soon as I hear enough to assume I know what they want to say, I often
3. My own ideas of what the other person is saying or thinking makes me see something different
4. When people talk about things in which I am not interested, I stop listening and get impatient
And the list goes on...
As soon as we begin to assume we know what is being said is the same as we see in our own mind's eye, we stop listening for the real meaning. When we are not really interested in the subject -- or the speaker--we allow our mind to do things other than actively listening to the speaker.
We may hear what is being said because hearing is involuntary. Listening requires active participation and concentration on the message or content and on the speaker, including non-verbal communication. To try to reach a shared understanding with you on the difference between listening and hearing, let's see how you relate to this:
- While getting ready for work or even while you are driving, have you ever turned on the radio to catch the traffic report or weather? Then the next thing you know, the music is playing! You missed the weather and traffic reports!
Listening is an ACTIVE SPORT! It requires focus and intention. It is also the highest form of respect you can demonstrate to another human being. Show people how important they are to you by actively listening to them. When we listen to others, we help them build their self-worth. We also earn their respect.
"What? You not only want me to do the dishes, but you want me to be happy about doing the dishes?" Remember that line from the trailer of the movie the Breakup? I love that clip because it is such a great example of the difference between how men and women view love and relationships. This article will share the secrets of how men love.
First understand that men and women love differently.
*Our tender images of affection and sweetness are how women love. Hugs, kisses, and kind words are how men get sex. Listen to how men express their affection to fellow men, and you will see a glimpse into the way a man shows affection. The best example I can think of is watching Clint Eastwood's character in Gran Torino as he talks to his friend the barber. I would quote him but the man language could offend.
Second, male affection involves complaining because to a man, sacrifice equals the expression of love.
*To a guy love equals pain or sacrifice. If a man spends $100 on a women, and he has a million in the bank, it is not a gestured of love. It is a way to impress or look good, but it's not about love. By contrast if a man spends a dollar on his lady and that is his last dollar with no way to get more, then that is a true expression of love. Likewise, if a guy likes working in the yard and spends his afternoon cutting the grass, he is not doing it because he loves his wife. However if he hates to vacuum and yet he does it, then that to a guy is love.
Third, understand how men show their love.
*Once you have gotten your brain around a man's association of love and suffering, then get ready for the next insight. For a man to show his love, he must show his pain. To be a cheerful lover would mean to the male brain that he is not showing love at all. To make sure you understand the sacrifice he needs to let you know how unpleasant this all is for him. His eye rolls and grumbles are his way of saying "I am doing this, not because I want to, but because I love you." If he was happy about doing whatever, then he would be doing it for his own pleasure.
Fourth, understand how to respond to your husband's complaints.
*The next time your man gripes or complains about taking out the trash; look him in the eyes and stay thank you. Hear his unhappiness as love, because that is exactly what he is trying to say.
Warning: This article was written to give hope to those who feel discouraged by their partner's complaints. The hope is to give a smile to those couples who already recognize the unhappy attitude of the man's behavior. If this article in anyway makes you disheartened in your quest to make your husband a cheerful giver, then forget everything you have just heard.
As we evolve, it is becoming more and more difficult to really hear what other people are saying. Really listening and understanding another person doesn't just happen automatically.
When people communicate, the message is often lost or misinterpreted for many reasons. The first place communication gets lost is if the receiver is unaware that his partner is trying to send an important message. So it can help to clearly ask him if he is available for a discussion.
Be Available to Your Partner
The second place communication gets lost is if the receiver is not available intellectually or emotionally. So the person in need of being heard needs to be willing to wait until the receiver can listen with full attention.
The next problem with listening occurs because in most interactions at the same time someone sends us a message, we are busy in our own heads formulating our response. This keeps us from really hearing and understanding the information being sent.
Understand the Other's Feelings
In order to truly listen to and understand your partner, it is important to practice putting your thoughts, emotions, perceptions and beliefs on the back burner and work on really understanding what is going on inside his head. This doesn't mean that you have to agree with what he is saying. It does mean you have to work hard to understand why he is saying and feeling the way he is. When couples achieve this level of hearing one another, they are giving a true gift that will increase intimacy and energy in a relationship.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Tears, rage, anger, disbelief, pain, and shock are emotions that will arise from the discovery of an affair. It is something that will catch you by surprise. You will not understand what happened. It might overwhelm you and drown you in despair. This experience is wished upon no one. But, it happens. Surviving affair will put you to the test. It will bring you to your knees and it will bewilder you. However, nothing is impossible if you believe that you can survive. The road is long and difficult.
Where do you begin? And how will it end? Only time will tell. Let's begin this journey....follow my steps and you will be ok.
Step 1 - In order to begin the path towards healing both spouses must be willing to work hard at mending the relationship. It will take effort, but the effort will not be wasted if both want to fix the problem. Even though the anger will make talking through the details very difficult it is important that you follow through even if it means small amounts of conversation times. Keep talking and stay committed with your efforts.
Step 2 - For the cheating partner it is important that when the conversations take place you show empathy when your spouse displays highly charged emotions. Learn to listen without commenting. Let your heart guide you and permit your brain to intelligently be empathetic. Do not pretend being empathetic...be honest and be real!
Step 3 - In all this, the spouse that has been betrayed must keep their dignity. Do not become hysterical and make a fool of yourself. You did nothing wrong. Your spouse made a choice and you are not to blame. Irregardless, of what your spouse says, keep your self respect. Stay calm and be strong!
Step 4 - If necessary ask your partner to leave. The space between both of you will give you the opportunity to deal with untested thoughts and feelings. If your partner leaves, let them know that you will contact them when the time is right. Take as much time as possible to be with yourself.
Step 5 - To forgive will be the last thing you do. Do not rush into forgiveness. No matter how lonely you feel do not accept your unfaithful spouse's plea to return. You must deal with your pain and anger...and you must rebuilt trust!
It will take an extraordinary effort to pick up the pieces after an affair, but all things are possible when love is still alive. This experience will forever change you, but don't despair tomorrow will be a new day!
In marriage and divorce, we come across many experiences. "It's too hard to pull on with my spouse. How long can I go adjusting and bearing all tortures? No chance to go a long way". If these are the words heard from your spouse frequently with tears or fears, what can I do for you to pave the way for peace? I'm not here to give you commanding words of dos and don'ts. Also, I can't drag you to come along my way to solve your problems. It's with you to decide which is right and which aren't. Anyhow I am pleased to give you some strong tips to stop divorce and choose adjusting when in a critical situation rather than stimulating yourself to find out grounds for divorce. You are sure to have alternative ways to go along the present role with real love to your spouse.
If your spouse just moved out choosing divorce and re-marriage with somebody else, it might throw you to the end of everything good with your homely peace. Such a breakdown has adverse impacts on your present and future life as well. Of course, it is too bad to be all alone without a life partner, not in a bad sense but for eternal demands of the soul. It becomes still worse if you have kids and come across a dilemma for 'live together' or 'get divorce' in the sense of marriage and divorce. The problem will be enhancing your stress if you have with you aged parents dependent on you. So, it is my deliberate option to give you tips to stop divorce and choose adjusting. Choose to seek and talk to someone who is really interested in your well being of your wedded life. Express your faith and confidence in him and make him feel that you seek a sincere guidance for your family problem.
Tips to stop divorce:
- Do not depend totally on others to help compromising as there is more chance for a little bit of selfishness in serving guidance to settle your problem. Results of selfishness may reflect at a later stage, of course against your interest.
- Think rationally as all humans are rational creatures irrespective of sex. A rational thinking about the current relationship problems may promote your endurance with the apparent aspect of your problem.
- Find out the root cause which went wrong in creating space between you and your spouse. Try to bug out the same by frank talks with your spouse putting off your lingering ego.
- Chart out a precise list of points of confrontations between you and your beloved spouse. Make an action plan to fire out the infectious ingredients to promote and help relationship.
- Try to forgive painful experiences due to your spouse. Forgiving and compromising are good tools compensating and consoling all deficiencies.